It's probably been 13 years....

Yes, I would say it's been 13 years since I spent my birthday....the actual day of my birth.....with the one who brought me into this world. Therefore, it struck me this year that it is definitely time to celebrate the day with her.

It hit me suddenly as I was thinking about my mid-week birthday this year. Scheduled for the evening shift, I really didn't want to work on this day so I took a long-awaited vacation day. Then I realized, what am I going to do?Everyone has to work and I sure as heck don't want to spend this day like any other day of the week I may have off. That's when God put the idea into my head that my retired mom would probably love to spend the day with me.

The excitement that overwhelmed me when this idea popped into my head was quite a surprise. See, I wouldn't say my mom and I have the greastest mother-daughter relationship. To be honest, there are issues on so many levels. Yet, I can't deny that we both do love each other and want each other to be happy. When I thought about the idea of calling my mother and telling her I would be spending my birthday with her I felt like a little girl getting ready to show Mom my numerous A's on my report card. I knew it would make her happy. I knew it would give her a boost and make her smile.

Come to find out, I was right. I called her just the other day and asked her if she had plans on February 25th. She said "no". I then told her I wanted to come down to see her and go out to eat for my birthday. Guess what I heard??.......I heard some excitement in my mom's voice. This is huge. See, unless the Cubbies are playing exceptionally, excitement in my mother's voice is hard to come by these days. I'm not trying to degrade my mother here. That isn't my intention. I just know my mom has struggled with genuine happiness for over 20 years now. I know she thinks she is alone and very few care. The fact of the matter is, we do care....but there is only so much we can do. But when the opportunity arrives and I can take time out of my life to actually give her a boost, I hope I can try to seize the moment and do so. I saw the moment this time, and I went for it.

I was thrilled to make her happy. I truly was. As a matter of fact, I think this has turned around back to me and has already given me a feeling of that "Happy Birthday" everyone says we should have. The idea of it really gives me a feeling of hopeful anticipation. Now I can only put it in God's hands and trust that the actual visit will be as joyful, peaceful, and memorable as I know it can be.

Build Like I Have Never Built Before

I think unlike any other year, I have set some real, life-changing, and healthy goals for the year 2009. Not only have I set these goals, I am so excited to tackle and conquer them. I feel with so much of me that this year is going to be the biggest changing point in my entire life. This year will be the base of the of the rest of my lifetower. The old lifetower will be beside me, but I know it is time to build anew.

See, with my whole being I believe that 2008 was supposed to be what it was. I hate to admit that, but I truly believe that God looked down upon me and said, "OK, it's time to for a change. I have a Divine plan for you (as He does for all), and even though you have touched on and used your gifts here in there, I want more". To get my attention, though, a part of my life had to crumble. My heart had to be crushed for my eyes to be opened. Opened to my sins, my gifts, my blessings, my wastefulness, and to Him. During the crushing, I hit rock bottom. I made terrible choices and it took me hitting the ground hard to turn to Him. Which is something I should have done from the begining. But I finally did turn to Him, and here I am. I pray every day that I remember how much my life can be turned around when I do turn to Him and turn away from Satan.

2008 was hard. I crumbled. But the crumbling was for a reason. See, all of those parts and pieces and sloshiness, were the bricks, the motor, the cement, the stones and the wood that would be needed to build the foundation I am building now. The building project has begun. I will go at it with Faith behind me full speed ahead. I pray that I can work through the rainy days as well as the sunny days, and be grateful for both. I have too much to do to falter or procrastinate, for this is only the base. This is only the foundation.

Only God knows how tall and wide my life tower will be. That all depends on His plan and time for me on earth. All I know is that I have a "fire in my belly" (as said best by Joyce Meyer") to set and reach my goals for this year, only to set and reach more for years to come.

I was bit by the baby bug

If anyone knows me well at all, they know I absolutely love the idea of being a mother. I do not have any children of my own, but not for lack of trying. After many tries, I just came to the conclusion that currently having a baby is not what the Good Lord has planned for me. Accepting this fact was very hard for me...and even contributed to the mild depression I reached a year ago I'm sure....but nonetheless, it is a fact I have accepted.

It amazes me though, how quickly I can go into "mom mode". I was bit by the "baby bug" this past weekend, and if I know me I will be feeling the affects for quite some time. See, Amanda and I babysat her 4 month old nephew for two nights and two days. Although the disruption was quite hectic and stressful, the feeling of love and warmth fulfilled me more and more with each moment I spent with him. Seeing his beautiful smile. Listening to his helpless cry. Watching him curiously take in all of his surroundings. Holding him close to my chest as he slept. All of it was so precious to me.

When it was time to bring him back, my tired body and selfish motives had no problem dropping him off at his grandma's house. But it took no more than twenty four hours later and the desire to see his face and comfort him came over me. I found myself missing him. I then realized, I had let my walls down and was bitten by the baby bug. I guess no matter how much I distance myself from the idea of having a baby, the baby bug gets me every time. I will not complain, though. I thank God for all of the gifts he has given me, and my motherly instinct is definitely at the top of that list.

President Obama

My mom just called me the other day and said "so, did you win your vote?" I said, "Yes, I did!". I thought I would share my excitement and hopefulness about the election of Obama to the presidency.

See, I was one of the many that voted for President Elect Obama on Tuesday, November 4, 2008. Why? Well, I whole-heartedly believe the United States is in a long standing rut that has caused tremendous challenges and issues for the people living here today. Don't get me wrong. I absolutely LOVE this country. I don't thank God enough for the overwhelming gratitude I have that He allowed me to be born in the greatest country in the world. BUT, I know this country can be better. We have great people and the foundation on which this country was built is the best in the entire world.

What I liked about Obama is that he recongized this. He instilled hope of a revolution in us. Now, I know that "they all make promises" and we have absolutely no guarantee that we will be getting the "change" that Obama has promised. But, I have more faith in Obama than I have in anyone that has run for the Presidency in my lifetime.

He made me believe. Why? Maybe it was his charisma. Maybe it was his down-to-earth attitude on life no matter where he was or who he was with. Maybe it was the fact that he is young and young people are less "set in there ways" and more apt to make changes occur. Acutally, it is probably all the above. Bottom line, I have hope that change will come. I have hope that we can only go up from here. Best of all, despite his race, age and "lack of experience" many others believed this as well. Because of this, voters came out of the woodwork (me included) and put their democracy to work. The foundation of this great country rose again when this man was brave enough himself to step forward, speak his mind, and challenge the people do the same. We met the challenge and now it is time to step into the future with more hope than many of have had in a very long time.

I trust that He is where he is supposed to be. May God bless him and be by his side in his quest.

I'm back

I haven't posted on here since June! Sad, sad, sad. I know I should be posting. I know I should take the time. I think about it all the time, but still have let 4 months go by before I have even logged on to this site.

I have been very busy changing my life. A lot has happened since June 13, 2008. I am officially in a relationship again with the one I love. Lots of counseling, lots of praying, lots of effort, lots of communication. But we are happy and continue to work everyday to make it a stronger relationship than we have ever had.

Other quick tidbits on my life....I'm still with my Lil Brother and enjoy every moment I have with him. I feel fulfilled being a part of his young life.
I am still studying to be a trainer. I plan to finish this by next spring. I am already helping a friend lose weight, gain muscle and build her overall health and self esteem. Once again, very fulfilling.

Last major aspect about my current life....I have Jesus in my heart and life more than I have ever in my entire life. I'm trying each day to become a better Christian. Studying His word, praying, and just having a better overall attitude to life and people.

I have to go to work now....but I will be back soon.....I promise :o)

First outing with Little Brother

I just became a Big Sister for Big Brothers Big Sisters. Tonight was my first night out with my Lil Bro. He is 6 years old.

I just wanted to take a couple minutes and write a few words down about how much I my evening and how much I enjoyed it. I took him to a Springfield Sliders baseball game. I don't believe he has ever been to a game. His eyes were wide and he was full of questions. There is no shyness about this kid. If he wants to know something, he will just come right out and ask you. He is sharp as can be and soaks up everything around him like you wouldn't believe.

We watched an entire 9 innings and only a few times did he complain about how long it was taking. I taught him things like balls and strikes, the names of those men with blue shirts (umpires), how to read the scoreboard, the name of the place where the players sat (dugout), etc. I could see in his eyes he was just taking it in and processing it all. We ate dipping dots and a pretzel. He had his picture taken with Speedy the turtle mascot. We watched fireworks and at the end of the night he and a hundred other kids got to run the bases. It was a full 3 hours.

The thrill in his eyes was enough to make me glow inside. Not being around children much anymore, the night reminded me of how much I love them and why. They are challenging many times, but they are also so full of innocence just wanting to seek attention, knowledge, love, and fun from another. I am so thankful to have been led down the path that brought me to the decision of volunteering to be a Big Sis. I see my time with my Lil Bro as not only a time for him to learn and grow, but me too :)

If I'm gonna talk the talk, I need to walk the walk...rather run the run...

My entire life I have liked running about as much as my mother likes the St. Louis Cardinals.....there is true hatred there :). I've always tried to avoid long distance running (or even jogging) as much I could throughout my whole life. When I played basketball in highschool and college, my biggest fear was pre-season long distance running. I would get nauseated just at the thought of it. In my prime give me sprints upon sprints and I was fine, but throw that mileage at me and I cringed!

Then as I became older and went through two knee surgeries, I had myself a good excuse not to become a runner. That pounding on my already degenerative knee..."I can't do that". In the past two years, I have lost 30 pounds, but mostly by doing my favorite type of fitness training...lifting weights. I 'm an avid believer in weight training to build leaner, larger muscles and burn fat. It is a great way to boost one's metabolism. I have even done some aerobic excercise consisting of the elliptical and bike. I have majorly avoided the running...even on the treadmill.

Recently I have had an epiphany. In the past two weeks, I have had friends talk to me about running, I have read about running in every book and magazine I have picked up, I have had co-workers suggest running in fundraisers. The signs are everywhere! I chose to ignore them for a bit, and give my normal "I'm not a runner" line. But it is not in my nature to ignore something that keeps popping up and grabbing my attention. Many times I see this (especially if it is something of good virtue and good for me) as a sign.....as God directing me in a certain way. Another life lesson. Another goal.

The dreaded "running" word just kept popping up. Then last Saturday at a cookout, a friend of mine asked myself and several of my friends, if they wanted to run in the Abes Amble. This is a 10k (or 6.2 mile) run in August. My initial reaction was, "I don't know about that. I can't run!". Then the talk of training and preparing pursued throughout the night. I went to bed that night with this really weighing on my mind.

I woke up the next day and literally started talking to myself. For a good 10 minutes I became my own "life coach". I told myself how I need to start practicing what I preach. I am studying to be a fitness trainer. If I'm going to train others in all aspects of fitness (anaerobic and aerobic), I must be able to do it myself. I'm constantly telling others to face their fears and to step up to the plate and do things they don't like to do....because in the end a wonderful feeling of love for yourself awaits. At that moment, I realized I needed to stop the excuses. I needed to face up to it. I needed to burrow through the pain and fear of training and set this goal. God has even put friends and loved ones around me for support and motivation. How can I say no? The signs are everywhere....I can't ignore them any longer.

So I have started training. I have already made improvement in my distance. I need to stay focused and compare myself to no one else and take it one day at a time. I'm extremely sore right now and yes my joints (including my knee) do hurt. But it is not a debilitating pain. I'm not going to lie and say I feel great as I'm running or even when I've completed my jogging jaunt, but I will say the thought of reaching this goal and facing this fear is exhilarating!